Adding my two cents to the mega mesh mess surrounding transvaginal mesh complications…

2013-06-30 Update

I originally had this update as “private” on here.  I did share this information privately with a couple friends, but, not publicly.   However, I had such positive and thoughtful responses from friends, that I decided to change it to public here.  I realized I can not, should not, only report the positives.   As one friend told me, I have a right to be angry and I can’t be “Polly Anna” all the time.  My life is still full of struggles and pain on a daily basis…  as are many, MANY other lives, I know.  Maybe sometimes, it helps others to share the pain as well as the success too.  I am normally an upbeat person… I love to laugh… I have been accused of laughing too much..  I do NOT like to wallow.  I know there are people, many people, going through much more difficult battles than I am.  I know this…  but, this is not a contest…  pain is pain…  and, sometimes, I think it helps to vent the bad along with the good…  sometimes, I have no choice, and I just write how I feel – just to get it out…  This was one of those times…

On 6-30, I wrote:

I am going to apologize in advance for whining…  I am just having a down day along with many of you, I know.  I feel guilty for even complaining when I know how much worse so many have it… but, I also know many people will understand.  I am just getting frustrated by my inability to walk without aid still.  I know I am a lot better than I was before mesh removal… a lot better.  After several months of medical leave, I was able to return to work, and I am not in CONSTANT 24/7 pain anymore.  I talk to others all the time who are not so fortunate, so, yes, I know how lucky I am.   And, I truly am so thankful and glad I had full mesh removal at UCLA, don’t get me wrong…
but (here we go with the whining, run away now if you’re not up for it!) …  I’m also no where’s near where I use to be before I ever had mesh put in me… or where I still have not given up hope of being.  Sometimes, that hope fades quickly…

I went to a family gathering yesterday, cane in hand, and just felt like a fraction of my “old” self all day.  I’m trying to stay positive and think positive… but, it’s such an effort sometimes.  Everyone was happy I was doing any better at all…  but… I found myself feeling like crap anyways.  I have a relative who had knee surgery a few weeks ago, and they seem like they are already doing better than I am already…  and, I noticed my almost 80 year old mother, and my great Aunt and Uncle are all more agile then I am currently.  >:?

At one point, I made the mistake of trying to throw a horseshoe.  I use to be pretty good. So, after watching my brothers and cousins play for some time, I got up outta my chair… limped over to the pit…  set my cane down, and picked up a couple horse-shoes… felt pretty determined…  and everyone was watching as I quickly learned I can NOT throw a horse-shoe anymore.   At least not currently.   I realized that because I still can not put all my weight on my left leg, I could not take a step and throw as one usually does.  I could not step..  I tried to make myself, but couldn’t…  which made my throw go strait up in the air and land about 5 feet in front of me.  I tried to throw it without taking a step…. and that was also a big fail.  I thought, “really?  I can’t even throw a freakin horse-shoe??”.   I guess I’m probably just lucky it didn’t land on my head – although… that might have solved all my problems… ;).

I know this is a stupid thing to complain about.  Who cares if I can’t throw a horse-shoe, right?  But, for some reason it just really pissed me off..  and got me thinking about all the other things I still can’t do… like walk my dog…  ride my bike…  go run around with my kids…  put my freakin pants on without sitting down…  dance…  roll over without pain… move… etc… etc!  It makes me so mad sometimes…  and ultimately, sad, I guess.  All this, because of a “MINOR” surgery (TOT for SUI) that was suppose to improve my quality of life and allow me to be MORE active…  =(    I am sorry for being a downer… just needed to vent…

I know I am much better than I was a few months ago… a year ago… and I try to cling to all the things I CAN do now, that I could not do before mesh removal.  I’m working again.  That alone is HUGE….  but, I still have to limp into my desk every day…  It’s just getting really old…   I just feel like mesh has taken over my life sometimes… and, I’m just so sick of it.   I think I am getting “meshed out”….  Feel like my brain needs a break from all this along with my leg…
Ok.  I’m done.

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2 Responses »

  1. You have every right to feel the way you do,we are all in the same boat.can you give me your personal email and we can chat.Keep your chin up and just do your best to be positive I know that can be very hard.You are not whining so please don’t feel that way.I am here if you need someone to talk with.

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    • Thank you, S. I so appreciate that. I have my ups and downs, but all in all, I try to stay positive and feel very fortunate. I know things could be so much worse. I am lucky that I do have a lot of support… from family, friends, and other women I’ve met going through mesh complications… I’ll send you an email, and same goes to you… if you need to chat privately – feel free to contact me. Thanks! -Deb

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